Why it doesn't count.....

Recent events have spurred me on to compile this list. Since Bill Clinton first asked for a definition of the word "is", we've all been able to come up with reasons why it doesn't count if you have sex with someone. Friends and I have had discussions about this, and have added to and clarified, expanded and listed several more of these. This is by no means complete, feel free to leave comments or make your own additions. Also, the use of any of these is at your own risk: not everyone agrees that it doesn't count if...

IT DOESN’T COUNT IF:

It doesn’t count if you’re Up North / Down South / Out West / In another Time Zone / Country / State
It doesn’t count if he / she doesn’t speak your native language fluently / is a foreign national
It doesn’t count if you don’t know his / her last name
It doesn’t count if it’s pity sex / post breakup sex / or if he / she has a non-communicable terminal illness
It doesn’t count if it’s not possible to see him / her again, but you MUST have reason to believe this
It doesn’t count if you get up to pee / make food / or reapply makeup during
It doesn’t count if you’re watching sports and your team scores AND / OR one of you yells out a sports-related saying such as, but not limited to: “Touchdown / He shoots, he scores / Do you believe in miracles / Down goes Frazier!”
It doesn’t count if either person doesn’t orgasm
It doesn’t count if either person’s hair / makeup / clothes aren’t messed up in some way
It doesn’t count if you call the person by someone else’s name / get called another name, however, this does not include nicknames such as, but not limited to: babe / honey / darling / sweetie / stud / lovemuffin / pookey, etc
It doesn’t count if you have a sneezing fit / get hiccups that won’t go away for at least an hour
It doesn’t count if you have to take off your own clothes because the other person cannot figure them out
It doesn’t count if he loses his erection for no apparent reason / she loses interest for any reason
It doesn’t count if your pets are in the room / you pause to let them out / feed the cat / change the litter
It doesn’t count if you’re in someone else’s house / vehicle
It doesn’t count if he / she is out on bail / was paroled in the last 3 days / is due to be incarcerated
It doesn’t count if the person has gone through trans-gender surgery AND you had previous experience with them when they were of the opposite gender
It doesn’t count if you have reason to believe your own death is imminent
It doesn’t count if you are not fully undressed, BUT that does not apply to glasses / contact lenses / jewelry (including body jewelry / piercings ) / Med-Alert bracelets or necklaces / dogtags
It doesn’t count if the person is a curiosity of some sort, i.e. is in the Guiness Book of World Records / circus performers / famous people and / or professional athletes
It doesn’t count if you paid for it specifically
It doesn't count if either person falls asleep during